Saturday morning and I am folding laundry like I did the day before and the day before and the day before. You get it. I laugh out loud looking at the piles in front of me. I am doing this while my husband keeps sending me pictures of fancy pastries and beautiful old buildings as he strolls the streets of Paris. Yes, the kids and me are home on the farm for the first two weeks of summer, and he is on a work trip traveling through Europe. This is his first overseas trip in about ten years. We forgot how hard it was to be in different time zones. It is also his first trip for this length in 15 years. Don’t get me wrong, I do not really want to trade places nor did I want to join him. Traveling puts my anxiety into overdrive, and I honestly don’t know if I could step on a plane knowing I couldn’t get off for 9 hours. I know it’s hard having meetings and catching trains and I am glad it is not me. But in all honesty, I do envy his successful career sometimes.
It will be 17 years on the week of July 4th since I gave up my career at a local university to stay at home full time. I loved my job and felt a sense of fulfillment in helping students. This realization that I missed this old part of my life became apparent this week as I went to pick up a my middle one from camp. She had the opportunity to attend a camp for rising 9th graders to explore the university I attended and also worked in recruiting. She was participating in a camp I would have planned if I was still in my old position. As I watched the closing presentation and listened to the lady speak that held my old title, my heart felt an ache I didn’t know was there. I loved planning events and helping students prepare for college and their futures. I felt irrelevant. I felt kind of purposeless.
Please don’t think I am not grateful for getting to be with my children at home. Attend every field trip, make snacks and meals, shuttle to practices, games and church activities, be there for drop offs and pick-ups, awards days and volunteering. But there is still this sense of what life would be like if I hadn’t walked away from my career. Would I have more fulfilment, touched more lives, and feel like my degree was useful?
My husband’s job is fulfilling. We can see God’s hand in every position he has held, even the one that almost broke him. I have been there to support him and be home when he’s away. I have been a listening ear and offered advice and encouragement whenever necessary. We are thankful for every opportunity he has had. But there are always those days that I still wonder about the what-ifs if I had a career too. But this is what we thought would be the best for our family. This is my calling for this season, and when it is time for a new season, I pray I will be ready and be able to use the skills I have.
I am thankful for the traditions and schedules we have been able to make as family. I am thankful for the high fives and smiles from students I have volunteered with or hugs from the kids I have taught in children’s church programs. So when I hear the remarks, “Oh you don’t work.”, I share a sincere smile because I cannot let others take the joy I have found in serving God and my family.
So we’re coming to the end of my husbands trip. We have celebrated Father’s Day over Facetime, swam a lot, volunteered at summer VBS, laughed at late night games of UNO, went to several appointments, and there may be a joke about a small road rage incident Mommy had while driving on the interstate that involved a lot of horn blowing. We are making signs for his return and ready to be all together for a day or two before we divide again for a soccer tournament. There is always something! I am thankful for the career I had but more thankful for these last 17 years. We will continue to spread kindness, be a light to share God’s love, and of course Show Joy!
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